When “He Needs You” Isn’t the Right Answer: Supporting Teens in Emotionally Unsafe Relationships

There are moments in school counselling that stop you in your tracks.

A teen sits across from you and says:

“I want to leave… but he says he’ll hurt himself if I do.”

And then comes another layer:

“Parents or others say I shouldn’t leave because he needs me right now.”

At first glance, this sounds like compassion.

But underneath it… there is risk.

Let’s talk about it—clearly, honestly, and in a way that helps both teens and the adults who care about them.

When Caring Turns Into Pressure

Teens are wired for connection. They care deeply. They want to help.

But when a partner says things like:

• “You’re the only reason I’m alive”

• “If you leave, I’ll hurt myself”

• “I need you—you can’t go”

  
  

This crosses into something more serious.

It becomes Coercive Control

This is when care and concern are used—intentionally or unintentionally—to keep someone from leaving.

Even if the person is struggling, this dynamic places a teen into a role they are not equipped to handle.

Why This Feels So Confusing

For parents, and others the instinct to protect everyone involved is strong.

A parent might think:

• “He’s vulnerable right now”

• “She might be the one thing keeping him stable”

• “Leaving could make things worse”

That thinking comes from empathy.But here’s the part we can’t ignore:

A teen cannot safely manage someone else’s suicidal thoughts. Staying in a harmful relationship can increase the teen’s own emotional risk

A Gentle but Powerful Reframe

Instead of saying:

 “He needs you right now”

We can shift to:

“He needs professional help—and you deserve to be safe.”

That one shift changes everything.

What Teens Need to Understand

If you are a teen in this situation, hear this clearly:

• You are not responsible for saving someone else’s life

• You did not cause their pain

• You cannot fix this on your own

• You deserve to feel safe in your relationship

You can care about someone deeply—and still choose to step away.

What Actually Helps (For Teens)

If a partner is threatening self-harm:

1. Take it seriously—but don’t take it on alone Tell a trusted adult right away.

2. Pass the responsibility to adults This might be:

• A parent or caregiver

• A school counsellor

• A crisis support line

3. Use clear, caring boundaries

“I care about you, but I can’t be your only support. You need more help than I can give.”

4. Make a safe plan to step back or leave You don’t have to do this alone.

What Parents Need to Know

This is where your role matters deeply.

When you encourage your teen to stay because someone else needs them, you may unintentionally:

• Increase your teen’s anxiety and sense of responsibility

• Keep them in a potentially unsafe relationship

• Delay the other teen from getting the real help they need

A powerful shift for parents is this:

“If a young person is suicidal, they need trained adult and professional support—not a teen partner carrying that responsibility.”

You can support both teens—by protecting your child and helping connect the other teen to appropriate care.

Essential Supports (Canada)

• Kids Help Phone

  
  

  📞 1-800-668-6868

  
  

  📱 Text CONNECT to 686868

• 211 Canada – connects to local mental health and crisis supports

• If someone is in immediate danger → Call 911

• Love is Respect www.loveisrespect.org

Just for Today

You can care deeply about someone and still choose what is safe and healthy for you.

Teens don’t need to be someone’s lifeline.They need to be safe, supported, and free to grow.

And sometimes the most caring thing we can do—for everyone involved—is to make sure the right people are holding the hard parts.